Sunday, May 18, 2008

都是为你好 all for your good

星期天下午,无意间转到星河频道,是放映一部华语电视剧。通常Astro 都有很多节目是重播的,所以我是无目的(没特别要看的节目)按钮频道漫游,看到有趣的节目会停下来看看。

我没记得剧名是什么,只看到是赵薇主演(因还珠格格而认识这位演员),也记得其中一句对白。这是母亲和女儿争吵是的对白:“ 我的所有这样做,是为了你好。。。”, “你就是只会说这句话,什么都是为我好,但是你有问过我的感受好不好吗?。。。。”

这是一段很有力的对白,听来也很熟悉。这不是我们作为父母的,常常这样训导孩子吗?当孩子要买他们自己喜欢但价格高的物品时,如鞋子,玩具,衣服等,我们都是禁止,因为我们要告诉孩子,这东西很贵,不要浪费钱。。我们是为孩子好,教导他们节省的美德。

当孩子要做一些他们喜欢的事情时,如去找朋友,去逛街,去参加活动,很多时候,我们会拒绝孩子的要求,也拒绝他们的理由,因为我们是要为他的“好”而做的。我们怕他们参到不良的朋友;怕他们被骗;怕他们参加不良的活动, 怕孩子受到伤害。。。。通常我们会忽略了他们的感受,没去理会他们到底“好不好”。我们的做法,有时对,有时错。

为人父母者,都知道抚养孩子不是件容易的事。亲子之间,会有摩擦。大部分问题就出在父母的一番“为孩子好”的心愿,在此同时,也忽略了孩子的感受。为孩子好,孩子不一定好。

记得整二十年前吧,那是农历新年的除夕。我骑上脚车,在后座铁架载了当时只有五岁的儿子政安 ( Jonathan),出去街上看看新年除夕的年景。当时他还有点不愿意,但我想父子俩应该一同出去走走看,对新年的美丽景象留点回忆。因他是坐在后面,除了叫他抱紧我,我还用一只手抓紧他。

还未到街上(约需十分钟)的半途中,我觉得车速好像慢了,需要加点力道。然后听到后面孩子的呀呀声(不是哭声),我停下来一看,吓了一跳,原来他的小脚溜进了后轮和车架之间,受到摩擦,脚皮受擦损。幸亏他有穿鞋,不至受更大的伤害。我马上带他去医院检查,敷药包扎后就回家了。那年的春节,他就受到特别照顾,出入都由人抱着。回想起来,虽无大碍,儿子也很勇敢的接受,但还是会流一把冷汗。

有时我们认为是对孩子好的,却给他们带来“不好”。皮肉之痛还算是简单,内心的创伤却是更严重。

当然教养孩子不只是好或不好这么简单。教养孩子不是天生具备的本能,是从学习,错误之中领悟出来的,也没有一套十全的方法和教导适合于每个父母使用。养育孩子,是件充满甜酸苦辣,有笑有泪,但绝对是值得的天生责任和使命。

无论如何,有一点却是千真万确,绝对是自然及完美的真理, 那就是:父母爱自己的孩子,父母要自己孩子好,父母要自己的孩子快乐。这是人性。

对我的孩子,及所有在父母的“为你好”的观念下,受苦及伤害的其他孩子们,说声对不起,请原谅我们。但是,我们确实是要为你们好 的! :D

再说,天下的父母就其一生,是要孩子过得好和快乐 !







小家伙还笑嘻嘻的展示伤口
Innocently displayed his leg wound









两个星期后,又是一条好汉 。。和妹妹玩
Hardly two weeks later.......with younger sister
















On Sunday afternoon, I was surfing Astro TV channels. I stopped at Celestial. It was a Mandarin drama. There was an argument between a mother and daughter. A dialogue attracted me: " I did all these for your good.." " You always say for my good.. do you ever bother to know if am I feeling good too.........".

This was a powerful dialogue and sounded familiar. Aren't we parents always saying so to our children? When our children requested us to buy something which they liked, such as shoes, clothes, toys..... usually their demands are rejected, maybe because of the price, suitability of the items but more so because we want to teach our children the value of money and the virtue of thriftiness.

We also reject children's request of going out, meeting friends and other activities for their own good. We want to protect them from being cheated, from mixing with bad company and from getting hurt. We make decisions for their good but without considering their feelings.... are they feeling good? are they happy with our decisions?

Recalling one Chinese New Year's Eve about twenty years ago. I rode on a bicycle with my son, Jonathan ( 5 years old) on the back seat to the town to have a look at the New Year decorations. My thoughts then was to have a nostalgic father-son outing on a bicycle on a new year's eve. He was a bit reluctant but after some coaxing, he tagged along. I instructed him to hold me tight and one of my hands was holding him too.

Half way through the journey, I noticed the bicycle was slowing down and needed more effort to peddle. Then I heard my son's voice as if complaining something.... I stopped. To my horror, one of his legs has stucked in between the wheel and the frame bar of the bicycle. His right foot was bruised and sustained superficial skin injury. I quickly brought him to the hospital. Luckily, he was wearing shoes thus prevented from more serious injury. After cleaning and bandaging, we returned home. That Chinese New Year, he received special treatment of being carried around places. Recalling the incident, although no serious injury and my son took it bravely, I still have chill in my heart.

Sometimes we think we are doing something good to our children, but it brings no good at all. Exterior physical pain is light compared with the more serious inner pain it causes by our action.

Parenting is not a simple matter. It is not about good or no good only. No one is born with good parenting skill. No standard set of rules and guidelines for parents. We progressed through learning and making mistakes. Parenting is laughter and tears, happiness and sorrow, and it is a noble, natural and worthwhile responsibility.

Despite all these, the truth is always there : The love of parent for their children is genuine, affectionate, self-giving and for the good of their children at all times. It is universal and it is human.

To my children and all children who have suffered under our "for your good" principle, my apology and seeking your forgiveness..... But, we do it for your good...really, sincerely! :D

After all, the lives of parents are dedicated for the good and happiness of their children !

1 comment:

Passingby said...

sweet memory.....

misty eyes....